


I blame your perfect breasts for my inability to focus during our conversations

by carameldumpling



Category: Gossip Girl, Skins (UK)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Crossover, F/F, Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-04-24
Updated: 2011-04-24
Packaged: 2017-10-18 15:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/190101
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/carameldumpling/pseuds/carameldumpling
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She’s got a chain-smoking, potential drug dealing sailor for a roommate.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I blame your perfect breasts for my inability to focus during our conversations

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on LJ on 7 March 2010. One part is inspired by Showtime's Dexter.

Elizabeth Stonem. That is the name of Satan. Blair has decided it the moment her roommate steps into the… well, room.

The girl is dressed in what seems like her grandmother’s clothes, altered to look slutty, and she lights up a cigarette.  _In the room._

“It’s a no smoking level,” Blair chides as she arranges her shoes neatly in the closet. She’s got everything planned out for the two of them. The closet is split exactly into half. Blair gets the right bed while Elizabeth gets the left. The top drawer on the shared nightstand is Blair’s while the bottom one is Elizabeth’s. She’s sure that they can find an agreement about the study table and the small, free area. 

Elizabeth looks at her with panda eyes, exhaling a steady stream of smoke. “Fuck that,” she says with a British accent, eyeing Blair. “We’re in college. I’m sure it’s a no fucking level, too, but everyone fucks like bunnies, no?”

She’s got a chain-smoking, potential drug dealing sailor for a roommate. That’s just fantastic.

: : : 

By the end of the first week it’s a done deal. Blair and Effy – Effy? What sort of nickname is that? – despise each other, and try to avoid one another like the plague. It’s tough, considering that they’re roommates, but amazingly possible.

Effy’s extremely messy. Her side of the closet is a pile of unironed pieces, her books are all over the place, heck, even her luggage bag is still on the floor. She can’t believe a girl can be this unpolished.

Effy’s makeup takes up more than half of the nightstand. Eyeliner, eyeshadow (two types), foundation, mascara, lipgloss, lipliner… it’s like a departmental store. What’s even more gross is that they’re scattered on the table, not even arranged in a particular order. When she wants something, she’ll just move her hand around the mess of cosmetics until she finds what she wants.

And there’s that stupid Buzz Lightyear toy Effy has, and Blair keeps on tripping on it because Effy doesn’t know how to put it somewhere safe. Blair has threatened to throw it out, but Effy’s glare made her think twice. 

“To infinty, and beyond!” is what Blair wakes up to most days now, because Effy shoves the damn toy next to her and keeps on pressing the ‘TALK’ button until Blair wakes up. Even though her class is at one in the afternoon and it’s 9 in the morning now.

At least they agree on what to do with the free space, and Blair is extremely thankful about that. A fridge is an excellent idea, but it becomes less excellent when Blair’s healthy salads are squashed for Effy’s beer bottles and chocolate. Fine, she likes the chocolate, but the twelve bottles of beer is highly unnecessary. Even Dan said so when he stopped by once, and he’s a  _guy_.

Blair thinks the worse thing about her roommate is that she brings home people almost every night. The first time it happened, Blair got one hell of an eyeful of Effy and whatshisface, the guy from the 10 o’clock Monday class. 

“Can you like, put a sock on the doorknob or something. Or maybe I don’t know, write on the whiteboard outside the door that’s you’re busy having sex?” 

Effy whips out another cigarette from her box. She’s naked on the bed, covered only by her thin bedsheet, but she’s still got about two hundred bracelets on each hand. “Yeah, sure. I can do that,” she mumbles, looking up at Blair with a wicked grin. “You could join, if you like.”

Blair makes a disgusted noise and walks out of the room. She needs to buy air freshener to get rid of the smell of sex.

: : :

Serena  _loves_  Effy. It’s disgusting.

“She took on five guys, and she could drink faster than all of them,” her best friends says in awe. “Your roommate’s amazing.”

Blair snorts, changing the sheets. Her sheets, that is. She’s not touching Effy’s sheets with a ten-foot pole. God knows what kind of STDs she’d find there. “Try living with her, and tell me if you still find her amazing.”

Serena smiles before glancing at Effy’s pile of cosmetics. “Oh my god, she has the latest Lush Lip Balm?”

Yeah, it’s disgusting.

: : :

It’s eleven at night when Blair comes back from her study date with Aaron – and what a date that was – and there’s no sock on the door, no drawing of a penis on the whiteboard either. 

Imagine, just  _imagine_ , Blair’s shock when Effy’s standing at the fridge, probably looking for some damn drugs, completely naked. 

Her strangled noise makes Effy turn. “Oh hey Blair,” she says, as if it’s normal for people to stand around naked near fridges. “Did you see my small bottle of vodka? I swear it’s here somewhere.”

Blair doesn’t know how to respond.

“So did you- oh,” Effy finally realizes her roommate’s silence. She raises an arm to cover her breasts, but it doesn’t really work. She laughs. “Pardon my tits.”

Pardon her  _tits_? Is this girl real?

“Clean the fuck up,” Blair grumbles, looking away. Effy’s swearing habits seem to have rubbed on her. “It smells like a whorehouse.”

Effy makes a scoffing noise. “How’s that possible?” she asks mockingly. “I fucked a lesbian couple, by the way. Don’t you just love it when someone knows how to tongue-fuck you the way you want it?”

Before Blair can snap at her, Effy perks up, bending down. She’s found her goddamn vodka. “Ah, there it is! Come to mommy.”

She takes it back. The worst thing about her roommate is how hot Effy Stonem is, even when Blair’s mad at her.

: : :

“She’s so annoying!” Blair grits out as she stabs a fry. “She fucks almost everything in sight, do you know that? I go back to that room six times a week to find it smelling as if Pamela fucking Anderson decided to have a bloody gangbang there.”

Serena chokes on her fish. “That’s a lot of swearing in one sentence,” she points out.

“It shows how pissed I am,” Blair grumbles. “Hobag.”

Serena looks at her. “Have you ever wondered why Effy has sex in your room all the time?”

Blair snorts. That’s an easy question. “To annoy me?”

Serena looks at her even longer. “Oh boy,” she mutters.

“What?”

Her friend shakes her head. “It’s not to annoy you. Think harder.”

Blair is ready to cut a bitch. So she changes the topic. “How are you and Nate? Still considering monogrammed sheets?”

: : :

They both excel amazingly in  _Witchcraft: An Anthropological Approach_  which Blair took to confirm her theory of living with the Devil and Effy took because… well, because she’s Effy. When Effy hands her a cup of whisky, she takes it and downs it. Doesn’t hurt to celebrate something like this with Effy. It could also be because Effy looks amazing in her pink dress. Blair’s never seen her wear pink before.

“One more?” Effy offers, holding out the bottle that she’s drinking directly from. “It’s a good reason to celebrate, anyway.”

Blair decides, ah, what the heck, and Effy pours her another. Buzz Lightyear grins at them from the nightstand. 

: : :

Two glasses turn into six, and Blair is about as stable as a pair of broken Jimmy Choos when Effy puts the bottle down and climbs onto her lap. Why is Effy still sober, anyway? It shouldn’t be possible.

“I have high alcohol tolerance,” Effy says, and huh, Blair probably said that aloud. “It’s great when you want to get fucked in the ass and remember it the next day, but you don’t want it to hurt, you know?”

Blair shudders as Effy rolls her hips. “Are you taking advantage of me in my drunken state?” She asks drunkenly.

Effy giggles – a true girly giggle, and Blair’s heart leaps – before pushing Blair on her back. “Mmm, maybe. Haughty little Blair Waldorf. Sexy as fuck, your uptightness. You probably won’t do this when you’re sober.”

“You’re a fucking STD,” Blair slurs. 

Effy doesn’t seem hurt. “I always use condoms,” she says. “But for you, I’ll make an exception.”

Blair pushes Effy’s dress up, and her roommate isn’t wearing underwear.

“Sounds like a plan,” Blair declares before Effy silences her with a mind-blasting kiss. 

: : : 

Blair wakes up to a horrible headache. It’s as if her brain is trying to escape from her skull. She licks her lips. It’s something she’s never tasted before, but she kind of likes it.

There’s a warm body next to her, and when she turns, Effy’s staring at her. “Freaking out already?”

Blair looks at the blue eyes that look amazing without the panda makeup. “Who said anything about freaking out?” she asks, sliding a hand up Effy’s thigh.

Effy smiles and pulls Blair closer for a kiss, and when Blair opens her eyes again, she sees Effy, sure, but also the damn toy.

“Get that damn Buzz Lightyear out of my face,” she says. “I’m not going to fuck you when he’s looking at me.”

Effy laughs before turning around and shoves the toy off the nightstand with one hand. She parts her legs. “There. Done.”

Blair is a woman of her word, and if she hears “To infinity, and beyond!” once while Effy gasps and clenches around her fingers, she takes it as a challenge. Infinity, it is.


End file.
